House of Carts: Egos & Deceit

Welcome to the world of private clubs, where the grass is always greener on the other side of the membership application and the politics are as thick as the fog on a Sunday morning tee-off. If you think your office politics are intense, wait until you step into the hallowed halls of a private club. Here, egos reign supreme, and the stakes are higher than Snoop Dog on the 4th of July. Buckle up, the dark underbelly of your favorite Country Club is about to be exposed.

In the realm of private clubs, it's not just about the green fees; it’s about greenbacks. The wealthier the member, the louder their voice—and boy, do they have a lot to say! Everyone knows a "Karen" but picture this: a millionaire in a tailored golf shirt, gripping a driver like it’s the last slice of pizza at a party. When they complain about the service, the staff doesn’t just listen; they practically jump through flaming hoops while juggling golf clubs. Why? Because a well-heeled member can raise more of a stink than a skunk at a country fair. The simple truth is that your tax bracket speaks volumes and every club operates by the wishes of its one-percenters.

Although all clubs have policies in place and promise equality for all, these empty promises are about as meaningful as your 5th grade sex education class where all the boys laugh at the banana. You enjoyed last years best-ball format in the Member member tourney and are curious why its now a scramble? Take a guess, Richie Rich at your club couldn't compete and made an appeal to his Head Pro that is obligated to listen or jeopardizes his once a year NBA court side tickets. How about your favorite sandwich that mysteriously left the menu? Spoiler...the one-percenter that still wears a white belt had a food allergy.

Now, let’s talk about the coveted e-caddy storage list. This list is more exclusive than a VIP section at a nightclub. It’s full, you say? Not for long! The secret? Buy more golf shirts. That’s right! The more you spend on overpriced, logo-emblazoned attire, the closer you inch to that precious e-caddy spot. Forget about merit; it’s all about the fashion faux pas you’re willing to endure in the name of membership perks. So, if you see a guy wearing three different plaid golf shirts in one week, he’s not just a fashion disaster—he’s a strategic genius and running your club!

Not everything is weighed by greenbacks but the moral of this story is it sure does improve your odds of being heard. Want to secure a fancy foursome? It’s simple: just complain about the pace of play. Nothing says “I’m important” quite like a well-placed grumble about how your last round took longer than a root canal. The club staff will scramble like it’s an Olympic event, ensuring your next game is with the club’s top brass. Meanwhile, the poor souls who just want to enjoy a leisurely round will be left wondering why they suddenly have a warning letter in their locker after playing 3 minutes past time par.

Let's step it up a notch, imagine the behind-the-scenes meetings at these clubs. Picture a group of well-dressed members, sipping overpriced cocktails, discussing the latest scandal involving the club’s chef (who dared to serve the house vinaigrette when the menu clearly states this Men's Day special comes with a Cranberry balsamic). “I demand repercussions!” one member bellows, while another nods in agreement, clutching a golf club as if it were a scepter. It’s like “House of Cards,” but with more receding hairlines and fewer assassinations—unless you count the way they assassinate each other’s reputations.

At the end of the day, private clubs are a microcosm of society, where money and ego often dictate the rules of engagement. But let’s not forget the real lesson here: whether you’re a millionaire or just a weekend warrior, we’re all just trying to enjoy a round of golf (and maybe a drink or two). So next time you find yourself at a private club, remember to bring your best golf shirts, a few well-timed complaints and a sense of humor—because in this game, the only thing more important than your score is your status. And who knows? You might just find yourself on the e-caddy list after all. Just don’t forget to tip your caddy—after all, they know where all the bodies are buried… or at least where the best snacks are hidden!

The Anonymous Club Professional