Is the Grass Greener?

Welcome to my world as a club professional, where the grass is always greener on the other side—unless you’re looking at the profession itself, in which case it’s more like a patchy carpet from the 70's (is shag still a thing?). When I graduated from university, I was groomed for a glamorous career in the golf business, complete with visions of helping members improve their swing while sipping Arnold Palmer's on a sun-drenched patio. But boy, was I in for a rude awakening!

You’re fresh out of university, full of enthusiasm and armed with a degree, ready to take on the world—or at least the local golf club. You expect to be mentored by seasoned professionals who will guide you like Gandalf leading Frodo to Mount Doom. Instead, you find yourself under the wing of mentors who are more interested in their afternoon nap than in nurturing the next generation of club professional prodigies. I once had a mentor who spent more time talking about his golf game from 1982 than actually teaching me anything useful. “You see,” he said, “back in my day, we didn’t have all these fancy gadgets. We just had a good swing and a lot of luck!” Thanks, pal, but I think I’ll take the gadgets.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in this business, it’s that disorganization is an art form. I’ve seen tee sheets that resemble a toddler’s finger painting—just a chaotic mess of names and times. And heaven forbid you try to find a scorecard after a tournament; it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack, except the haystack is a mountain of crumpled paper and the needle is actually a well-organized spreadsheet that someone forgot to print. Let’s not even get started on the rigged tee sheet draws. You know it’s a bad day when you find out that the guy who swears he can hook up the Pro Shop staff with restaurant discounts (because a friend of a friend owns it) is somehow playing at the prime time slot every single week. These secret deal with the head pro are not so secret anymore, similar to a Temptation Island episode where everyone knows what's goin on.

Ah, tournament day—the time when everyone gathers to showcase their skills and enjoy some friendly competition. Or so I thought. Instead, it’s more like a circus where the clowns are in charge of scoring. I’ve witnessed clerical errors that would make a third grader’s math homework look like a PhD thesis. I've witnesses the worst handwriting that would a second graders fingerprint look like the Mona Lisa. I've seen scorecards lost, that would rival the memory and responsibilities of a first grader. Imagine this: you’re at the 18th hole, and the tension is palpable. You’ve just sunk a birdie, and the crowd goes wild! But wait—what’s this? A scoring error has just been discovered, and instead of celebrating your victory, you’re now tied with the guy who thought “par” meant equal to the other players. The only thing that gets swept under the rug faster than that error is the dignity of the poor soul who thought they could trust the scorekeeper.

In the golf business, maintaining a professional image is key. But how do you keep that image intact when the only thing you have to show for it is a series of unfortunate events (great show on Netflix)? The answer is simple: just keep smiling and nodding while you sweep everything under the rug. I’ve learned that when you’re in a pickle, you can always rely on the “professional” approach of pretending everything is fine. “Oh, that scoring error? Just a minor hiccup!” or “The tee sheet? It’s an avant-garde art piece!” It’s all about the spin, folks.

It’s a wild ride filled with disinterested mentors, disorganized chaos, and scoring scandals that would make a soap opera writer proud. But through it all, I’ve learned to embrace the absurdity of it all and find humor in the madness. After all, if you can’t laugh at the golf business, you might just end up crying into your scorecard. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a tee sheet to “organize” and a tournament to “score.” Cheers to the next round of hilarity on the green!

The Anonymous Club Professional