Faith in Humanity: Can it be Restored at a Private Club

Welcome to the wild and wacky world of private clubs, where the elite gather to sip overpriced drinks, play a few rounds of golf, and, of course, engage in some of the most ridiculous behavior you can imagine. If you’ve ever questioned your faith in humanity, let me take you on a journey through some of the most hilarious and absurd stories I’ve witnessed at these exclusive establishments. Your version of humanity and common sense is nothing compared to what the Pro Shop staff go through on a daily basis. Buckle up; it’s a bumpier ride than country roads after a winter thaw.

Ah, the quest for the perfect tee time. You’d think it would be as simple as picking a time and hitting the links, right? Wrong! Enter the members who seem to have a PhD in indecision. Picture this: A group of four members stands around the Pro Shop counter bombarding a minimum wage college kid who barely knows their way around the POS system. Each one more confused than the last. “I thought we were playing at 10:30 AM?” one says. “No, I said 12:30!” another chimes in. Meanwhile, the Pro Shop Attendant is frantically typing and scrolling, getting bullied into thinking it is their error and trying to decipher the cryptic messages been thrown their way. “Do we have the right day? Are we at the right course? Who booked it, what's the confirmation?” By the time they settle on what had been booked and give information to the attendant that doesn't need to go through Rosseta Stone, they are on the tee and scrambling to get cart partners figured out. After all of this, they are left with a pissy senior (who does starting on the weekends, classic) and a warning of time par. Setting yourself up for an enjoyable first hole, thanks, guys! Your communication skills truly restore my faith in humanity!

As if having a tee time and forgetting it wasn't bad enough, we have the phone call warriors that really just do not know what they want in life. It's as if they are going through a mid-life crisis, not sure if it's a divorce or that new V10 they can't afford. Or if getting back into the gym will really out way the McDonalds they hide from their wife on the way back from the club after being 2 hours late, saying "It was so slow out there!". No, these special people in the minds of Pro Shop Attendants just do not have a clue! "Hey, do you have any morning times available?" "Yes sir, how does 9:42 AM sound" "I was actually hoping for something earlier" "Well, I have a 7:28 AM available?" "Ya, that's just too early, what about an early afternoon time?" "I have a 12:54 PM time" "Do you have anything earlier?" "In the afternoon?" " Ya, I was hoping for an early time" "Unfortunately, 12:54 PM is the earliest I have in the afternoon besides those morning times" "Hmm, I may have to contact my group, what were the morning times you had?" "We have 7:28 AM and 9:42 AM still available" "Ya, that's pretty early, seems like you guys are busy?" "Well, your calling us the night before your booking so its pretty full"....I digress, this is easily the most frustrating part of being a club professional and shockingly, it happens multiple times a day. Pro Tip-Have a plan, book in advance or beggars cant be choosers. My faith in humanity is at an all time low after typing this!

Next up, we have the changing room disasters that could easily be mistaken for an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. There’s always that one member who takes “trying on clothes” to a whole new level. Imagine a scenario where one member decides to try on seven pairs of shoes and nine golf shirts. After a good hour of fashion show antics and a dedicated staff member, they emerge from the changing room empty-handed. “I just didn’t feel the vibe,” they declare, as if they were auditioning for a role in a high-fashion film rather than merely trying to look good on the golf course. Meanwhile, the staff is left to pick up the pieces, folding shirts that have been crumpled beyond recognition and trying to figure out how one person could make such a mess in a changing room. Seriously, if only they put that much effort into their golf game!

Ah, at last, the infamous “Toucher.” This is the member who can’t resist the urge to touch everything in sight, turning the merchandise displays into a chaotic mess. You’ll see them wandering through the pro shop, fingers grazing every item like they’re auditioning for a role in a soap opera. “Ooh, what’s this?” they say, as they pull a shirt off the rack, only to toss it aside like a used napkin. By the time they leave, the once-neat display looks like a tornado hit it, and the staff is left to play a game of “find the piece” that's missing from its original home. Like a game of childhood hide and seek, we would scour the Pro Shop to find missing merchandise among the chaos like Indiana Jones. You've got to admire their commitment to chaos, but it’s hard not to question how they manage to function in society without leaving a trail of destruction behind them!

Finally, we have the “I’m late, just drive me out to my group” guy. You know the type—always rushing and perpetually late, as if they’re their Keanu Reeves starring in their own personal action movie. This character shows up at the club, throws their clubs into the back of a golf cart, and demands, “Just drive me out to my group! They’re already on the third hole!” Meanwhile, that cart already has another bag on it and is scheduled to go out for another group. The back shop beauties (I will cover this breed in detail in a future rant) trying to keep a straight face as this Truman Show protagonist in a gloriously demoralizing show of strength expects the world revolves around them. Being the professional you've (kinda) known to love, I hold back the laughter and send "Timmy" our Back Shop extraordinaire, who has yet to see the golf course routing on his way. They navigate the course, wayward golf balls and piercing views from other members having seen this too many times before. Upset that it obstructs their flow state, these members reluctantly understand "that guy" who is clearly a perpetual liar and 5 min from him always means 15 min. By the time they reach their group, our protagonist wants to tee it up with his group in the fairway only to hit it OB and request a final ride to his group and the fairway where he will drop penalty free. He's out of breath claiming, “You wouldn't believe the traffic!” But let’s be honest, everyone knows he is full of it and this will happen again in their standing tee time.

So there you have it—a prelude of what's to come, just a few of the ridiculous stories that make up the tapestry of private club life. While these tales might make you question your faith in humanity, they also remind us that laughter is the best medicine. Whether it’s the indecisive tee time crew, the changing room fashionista, the chaotic toucher, or the latecomer in a hurry, these characters add a unique flavor to the club experience. So the next time you find yourself at a private club, keep your eyes peeled for these amusing antics. You never know when you’ll witness the next great comedy of errors unfold right before your eyes!

The Anonymous Club Professional